Overcoming Codependent Relationships

Co-dependent relationships are common amongst those who struggle with chemical dependency. They are also one of the biggest relapse triggers. Successful and healthy relationships take a lot of patience, empathy, and determination. These apply to romantic, sibling, parent/child relationships, or friendships. Many of us don’t even realize we are co-dependent until the relationship destroys us.

Addiction And Co-Dependent Behaviors

Co-dependency in the past was associated with addiction. However, we have learned that people without addiction also have co-dependent behaviors. This is why relationships between a person with a chemical dependency and one without still have co-dependency on either side.

Here are the common signs of co-dependency in a relationship:

You feel that your partner is responsible for solving your problems
Your partner has verbally expressed to you that they feel unappreciated and unloved
You are continually trying to please your partner
You desperately want your partner to “save you”
Your happiness stems from your relationship with your partner
You continuously are looking for advice and direction from your partner on how to live your life
You see yourself as a perpetual victim

The Origins Of Co-Dependency

Co-dependency is not a disease or a disorder but a learned behavior that often begins in childhood. Co-dependent behaviors are deeply ingrained in our upbringing and personalities. It will often resurface throughout our adolescent years and adulthood. Co-dependency is mostly born into dysfunctional families with addiction, emotionally unavailable partners, and narcissistic behavior.

The co-dependent parent(s) set the tone for the child and the child learns from the parents to try harder in every relationship. From a young age, these children learn to “walk on eggshells,” ignore their own needs and put the needs of others before everything else. There is also an emphasis on the outward appearance of the relationship to be of utmost importance. Children who grow up in this environment don’t learn to foster their self-worth and do not view themselves as independent or necessary. In adulthood, this creates unhealthy boundaries and can often lead to the use of drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism.

Recognizing Your Co-Dependent Patterns

At some point, many of us come to an “ah-ha” moment where we realize we are in a co-dependent relationship. Even though we become aware, many of us won’t stop the behavior. Usually, it is because we have become comfortable with the behaviors and change is far scarier. It is also because not knowing any other way of being it is hard to learn and break the cycles.

Many people will discover these truths while in an addiction treatment facility or intense outpatient therapy. These environments are the perfect settings to learn coping skills to improve their behaviors and remove themselves from these unhealthy relationships. It is a delicate dance because many addicts will stop using alcohol and substances but then substitute them with co-dependent relationships. Fortunately, therapies are working hard to combat that occurrence as well.